Seamless change

I need fixing. There I said it.

I have goals that are very important to me: getting in shape, having my own business, getting married, the list can go on… but the inertia of life keeps holding me back.

Being the free-spirited person that I am, I have been breezing through life all this time, chasing after every temporary high. I treated every problem, no matter how burdensome, as a walk in the park.

I have been doing it all wrong. It just took too long for me to figure out.

I have been settling for fleeting happiness despite being aware that I should know better. I mean, there's nothing wrong with living in the moment but I guess a little self-preservation would do me justice.

I have no idea what jolted me. What matters is the fact that I have woken up from a long nightmare. I think it's never too late to reinvent myself.

I hate to brag but what the hell, here it goes: I HAVE REALLY GOOD TASTE. In fact, my taste was good enough that I was able to tell that what I was doing was a disappointment to myself. It was not what I wanted it to be. I knew it fell short.

I've been having those 'I dreamed a dream' moments (I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed) then it hit me; maybe some people never really get past that phase so they just decide to go with it or simply settle for less than what they truly deserve.

I imposed upon myself an ultimatum that I will not be one of those people. At some point, we need to be brave and execute an internal pull. We should be able to point out exactly what we like and don't like, furthermore, who we love and who we despise.

It can be a real challenge, though. I know how hard it is to work up the guts to try something new. Surely, nobody wants to feel stupid and start from scratch all over again. Life, however, is an ongoing process of trial and error. You do it, and keep doing it until you get it right. It's hard work but it's worth the try. Even the most deplorable mistakes beats the hell out of never trying.

Nobody will praise you for it and most people might judge you but who cares?

It's true what they say, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." Hence, it will help if we keep our eyes on the prize and remember the things that got us interested with the game in the first place.

It is, however, normal to take a while. I know it took me a long while.

Realizing that I'm not getting any younger changed a lot of things. I should stop believing the illusion that I'm still the same blithe, whimsical teenager I used to be a couple of years ago. I'm past that phase. I should start working for my long-term life goals. 

It's time to flee the dysfunctional life I've been living in for several years now. It's time to invest on a gym membership, get that much-coveted master's degree and yes, commit to a serious relationship.

I am clever enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself. It's not something to be so massively ashamed of.

I know who I am, I know what I want and I will not be stopped.

Baptism by fire

When I was a teenager, my Chemistry teacher instilled in me the capabilities of water as a universal solvent.

As a gradeschooler, water, on top of being a daily necessity for hydration, served me well as a disinfectant. It helped me wash my wounds clean and remove the impurities in my hands each time I was about to have a meal.

It all goes back to my childhood days, when I was led to believe that water is the ultimate sacramental sign of new birth. My Christian parents and godparents once showered water on my forehead when I was a baby, as a sign of a blessed new beginning.

I just had a new beginning for the nth time; but the rebirth has been unconventional. I call it 'baptism by fire.'

Thus, my recent paradigm shift began.

It was my baptism of flaming ink that coerced me to recognize myself and my fate. So now I am ablaze in this baptism, just as my passion- burning.

As what an old Ashanti proverb says, "Wood already touched by fire is not hard to set light."

Hence, there was no need to light a match or rub two rocks to be able to create fire through intense friction. There was already a spark in me. The old flame was just reignited and morphed to burn even brighter than it already was.

The first weeks were hard. Damn hard!!!

In fact, there were times I felt like screaming.

I got that uneasy feeling where my throat had spasms. I just amplified that feeling by swallowing back the scream; taking and digesting it all back again.

That thing in the pit of my stomach squeezed up like a fist and made it hard for me to breathe.

I felt like a blind person who was trying to so hard to figure things out and make my way through even if everything was pitch-dark. I had to learn new processes and comprehend seemingly unfathomable jargons on my own with very little help from the people around me.

I didn't know how I was going to survive but surprisingly, I got by.

I told myself there was no way things will worsen each day. There was no way but to learn from my mistakes; and just like that, each day just kept getting better from the last.

That was all part of the learning process, I guess. After all, even gold, one of the most precious minerals is also tested by fire.

I am so grateful that I have been learning a lot lately and each day is a slap-on-the-face realization that makes me regret and question my past decisions. I should have done this a long time ago. After all, this is really what I wanted to do.

What I have right now is a far cry from what I used to have and where I used to be a couple of months back. Sure, my old office became my second home (or even my first) and I have made really valuable relationships with colleagues whom I already regard as family.

It was just about time to move on, though, and spread my wings to reach greater heights and see a broader horizon. Life isn’t life if you just float through it.

I knew I just had to move forward no matter what happens. That is the universal law and that is the moral of my story. I told myself that I am supposed to find the things that matter, hold on to them, fight for them and never let them go.

The challenges I have undergone may seem to burn me out but the baptism forced me to accept the fact that life has never even given me any choice in this matter.

I just had to discover exactly what that meant.

It probably means I was meant to do greater things… or probably not. Who knows? It's not like we know what's going to happen in the future.

Nevertheless, I keep reminding myself that I just walked forward. I did not walk away, and I never will.

Bookmarks

Another day bleeds out on the horizon. How can it seem intimidating, terrifying and promising, all at once?

Just a few weeks ago, all of 2013 still stretched before me, bright and reassuring, like an endless period of condign sleep. Days passed, time ticked away and seconds hastily clicked forward like dominoes toppling a line. Now I have woken up to reality, specifically to the part where I have to close another chapter in the diary of my life.

The thought of leaving has always been excruciating simply because I suck at goodbyes. This time, however, having decided on my own actually helped. At least, if ever things won't work out, nobody will ever have the right to say "I told you so" because the decision was solely based on my judgement and I have nobody to blame but myself.

Staying was not an option because of the fact that leaving was way overdue. The deadline was long dead (at least for me) even before I started scouring for other opportunities.

When I finally found one that suited me, I had no choice but to face the music. And just like that, I breathed life to my 30-day notice as it started a countdown on its own.

During that day, I felt like I’ve done something good for myself, by choice, and not just because somebody told me it was good or bad or necessary or that it was expected of me.

The series of events which followed somehow made me feel more potent than ever before. They gave me a certain assurance that I can actually be decisive when a big decision is badly called-for.

Now that the worst part is over, I'm still feeling blue. Maybe I’m just a little depressed about how quickly time flies. Memories of the crazy times have been reshuffling inside my head on endless loop and they are just killing me. The whole process feels a lot like a breakup. You know you have to move on for the better but you try to hang on so it could hurt just a little bit more.

Regrets are creeping in like thieves in the night and they are starting to consume me. I know I can really be a bitch sometimes and if only there was a way for me to backpedal to all our conversations and take back all the sarcastic or mean things I said, I certainly will.

But that's not how life works. We get to have bad experiences so we can value and retain all the good ones. Moreover, bad memories serve as cautions so we would never make the same mistakes in life.

And so I thought, why close a chapter when I can leave a bookmark instead? Memories will be kept safe as they are deeply etched to the bottom of my hypothalamus. I may deliberately glance at them from time to time for obvious reasons-- to be reminded of how I repeatedly screwed up and got back on my feet, or to simply get a good laugh by reminiscing all the crazy times. So, yes, I guess bookmarks will work for me.

The past year has been bittersweet and I must say I would not have appreciated the sweet moments if not for the bitter ones.

As this new day beckons, it ushers eternal hope and heralds the beginning of a new era. It will be the epoch where I will take baby steps or who knows, maybe even giant leaps, to get to my ultimate destination of success.

I just know that it doesn't end here. I am certain that the best is yet to come.

Wanted: CHASER

After chugging down a bottle of Bacardi or a shot of the famed Patron Tequila, one needs something to soothe that burning sensation in the throat. Hence, the 'chaser' was born.

I lost track of how it came to this but with all the things that are being forced down my throat right now, I am likewise in dire need of a chaser.

Coming from a family of heavy drinkers and chain smokers, I grew up seeing most of my family members drink HABITUALLY. My grandmother, an octogenarian (she's 82) still gets her weekly stash of beer by bulk. Her house is no less than a grocery store as it gets a weekly visit from the town's leading beer supplier. Drinking was not just her habit, it was her lifestyle.

Growing up knowing and occasionally living with people like her inevitably got me accustomed to drinking as well.

I can ingest several kegs of beer... but here's the thing: what are currently being shoved down my throat are not as tolerable as beer. They are as hard as bourbon and scotch. They have the likes of Black and Blue Labels put together. They appear very potent and seem more intoxicating than stone and weed.

Things are getting harder by the second. I tried to be invincible and I'm proud to say that it has been working so far. However, I think I already had my fill. I will soon be found wasted if I will not address this intoxication at once.

I can no longer endure these flames.
I must extinguish the fire.
I need a chaser.

My once-peaceful mind has gone to ruin. I used to think that the worst feeling in the world is losing someone. I was wrong. The worst thing feeling in the world is realizing you've lost yourself. Sometimes I feel like I am a stranger to my own self and I am often left with questions.

"Why did I say that?"
"Why did I do that?"
"Why do I feel this way?"
"How did it come to this?"

All these, and several others crowd my mind at once. Not to mention, the regular matters that I'm fretting about on a daily basis.

YES, I am as tired as fuck (there, I said it) and what's worse is the fact that I can't even slow down. I just can't afford to step on the brakes. It will be unfair. It will be unfair to all the people who rely on me, who have faith in me, those who have been rooting for me all this time.

Disappointing my loved ones was never in my to-do list-- the one and only reason why quitting was crossed out of the options.

NEVER in my entire life did I ask the Almighty to give me a lighter load. I simply asked for a stronger back.

Having that in mind, I am still under the belief that I can surpass this phase of my life but I can only do so if I channel the right resources.

Who said anything about taking a break? I don't need a break. What I need is a helping hand. If I find the right chaser, all of these will go down smoothly like silk.

Sadly, however, I am still on the process of figuring out what (or who) that chaser would be. I just close my eyes tightly every night, praying and wishing for it to come.

When all else fails, I will always have hope.

Hot and cold

You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up then you're down <--- basically="" br="" it="" sums="" this="" up.="">
I am known to my family and closest friends as one of the most patient people ever. I am sorry to disappoint them because it will not stay this way for long. The threshold of my patience is already brimming because the current situation is simply too much for any sane person to tolerate.

I easily get irritated by people who just can't make up their minds. Being a fickle-minded girl is one, but being an indecisive bitch is just too much.

I think it all goes back to how a person was reared. As what I have learned in Sociology, we unconsciously adapt our parents' ways and attitude. That's how culture works. If a person was taught how to be decisive as a child, he remains to be decisive until his dying days.

Parents, being every child's first teacher, have the responsibility of teaching kids about right and wrong. They are the frontrunners of inculcating the right values to their children's hearts and minds.

Furthermore, if a person does something wrong, the blame may go all the way back to his parents for not teaching him the right values.

I'm not washing my bloody hands. I mean, no one is perfect but among the myriad of things my parents taught me, I must say I owe them a lot for teaching me how to stand firm for my decisions. I mean what I say and I say what I mean.

Black is black. White is white. There can never be black and white at the same time.

But then again, as much as I would like it to be, not everybody is like me. There are really people who nod when they're not supposed to nod. There are people who smile and act like everything is okay when the truth is that they are already freaking out.

It doesn't make sense. Why don't they speak up? We were all given free will to be able to make decisions on our own. Yes, there times that will require our compliance and obedience but it must not reach the point when our principles are already being trampled on.

One word: FIGHT.

I would rather take the risk of being humiliated and ridiculed than choosing to holding my peace forever. I don't want to spend sleepless nights wallowing in regrets. I dont want to keep on twitching on my bed during unholy hours, thinking of the what ifs.

But then again, this is me. I am not the problem.

I am concerned about "other people" whose indecisiveness is already affecting other people's perception, not to mention, their efficiency.

I think the problem is not knowing what they really want, themselves. If only they can figure it out soon, we can all start working for its achievement and or completion. Not that we all resort to a trial and error method which is just a waste of effort, money and most all, time.

Just saying... And yes, PUN INTENDED