Bookmarks

Another day bleeds out on the horizon. How can it seem intimidating, terrifying and promising, all at once?

Just a few weeks ago, all of 2013 still stretched before me, bright and reassuring, like an endless period of condign sleep. Days passed, time ticked away and seconds hastily clicked forward like dominoes toppling a line. Now I have woken up to reality, specifically to the part where I have to close another chapter in the diary of my life.

The thought of leaving has always been excruciating simply because I suck at goodbyes. This time, however, having decided on my own actually helped. At least, if ever things won't work out, nobody will ever have the right to say "I told you so" because the decision was solely based on my judgement and I have nobody to blame but myself.

Staying was not an option because of the fact that leaving was way overdue. The deadline was long dead (at least for me) even before I started scouring for other opportunities.

When I finally found one that suited me, I had no choice but to face the music. And just like that, I breathed life to my 30-day notice as it started a countdown on its own.

During that day, I felt like I’ve done something good for myself, by choice, and not just because somebody told me it was good or bad or necessary or that it was expected of me.

The series of events which followed somehow made me feel more potent than ever before. They gave me a certain assurance that I can actually be decisive when a big decision is badly called-for.

Now that the worst part is over, I'm still feeling blue. Maybe I’m just a little depressed about how quickly time flies. Memories of the crazy times have been reshuffling inside my head on endless loop and they are just killing me. The whole process feels a lot like a breakup. You know you have to move on for the better but you try to hang on so it could hurt just a little bit more.

Regrets are creeping in like thieves in the night and they are starting to consume me. I know I can really be a bitch sometimes and if only there was a way for me to backpedal to all our conversations and take back all the sarcastic or mean things I said, I certainly will.

But that's not how life works. We get to have bad experiences so we can value and retain all the good ones. Moreover, bad memories serve as cautions so we would never make the same mistakes in life.

And so I thought, why close a chapter when I can leave a bookmark instead? Memories will be kept safe as they are deeply etched to the bottom of my hypothalamus. I may deliberately glance at them from time to time for obvious reasons-- to be reminded of how I repeatedly screwed up and got back on my feet, or to simply get a good laugh by reminiscing all the crazy times. So, yes, I guess bookmarks will work for me.

The past year has been bittersweet and I must say I would not have appreciated the sweet moments if not for the bitter ones.

As this new day beckons, it ushers eternal hope and heralds the beginning of a new era. It will be the epoch where I will take baby steps or who knows, maybe even giant leaps, to get to my ultimate destination of success.

I just know that it doesn't end here. I am certain that the best is yet to come.