Another
day bleeds out on the horizon. How can it seem intimidating, terrifying and
promising, all at once?
Just
a few weeks ago, all of 2013 still stretched before me, bright and reassuring,
like an endless period of condign sleep. Days passed, time ticked away and
seconds hastily clicked forward like dominoes toppling a line. Now I have woken
up to reality, specifically to the part where I have to close another chapter in
the diary of my life.
The
thought of leaving has always been excruciating simply because I suck at
goodbyes. This time, however, having decided on my own actually helped. At
least, if ever things won't work out, nobody will ever have the right to say
"I told you so" because the decision was solely based on my judgement
and I have nobody to blame but myself.
Staying
was not an option because of the fact that leaving was way overdue. The
deadline was long dead (at least for me) even before I started scouring for
other opportunities.
When
I finally found one that suited me, I had no choice but to face the music. And
just like that, I breathed life to my 30-day notice as it started a countdown
on its own.
During
that day, I felt like I’ve done something good for myself, by choice, and not
just because somebody told me it was good or bad or necessary or that it was
expected of me.
The
series of events which followed somehow made me feel more potent than ever
before. They gave me a certain assurance that I can actually be decisive when a
big decision is badly called-for.
Now
that the worst part is over, I'm still feeling blue. Maybe I’m just a little
depressed about how quickly time flies. Memories of the crazy times have been
reshuffling inside my head on endless loop and they are just killing me. The
whole process feels a lot like a breakup. You know you have to move on for the
better but you try to hang on so it could hurt just a little bit more.
Regrets
are creeping in like thieves in the night and they are starting to consume me.
I know I can really be a bitch sometimes and if only there was a way for me to
backpedal to all our conversations and take back all the sarcastic or mean things
I said, I certainly will.
But
that's not how life works. We get to have bad experiences so we can value and
retain all the good ones. Moreover, bad memories serve as cautions so we would
never make the same mistakes in life.
And
so I thought, why close a chapter when I can leave a bookmark instead? Memories
will be kept safe as they are deeply etched to the bottom of my hypothalamus. I
may deliberately glance at them from time to time for obvious reasons-- to be
reminded of how I repeatedly screwed up and got back on my feet, or to simply
get a good laugh by reminiscing all the crazy times. So, yes, I guess bookmarks
will work for me.
The
past year has been bittersweet and I must say I would not have appreciated the
sweet moments if not for the bitter ones.
As
this new day beckons, it ushers eternal hope and heralds the beginning of a new
era. It will be the epoch where I will take baby steps or who knows, maybe even
giant leaps, to get to my ultimate destination of success.
I
just know that it doesn't end here. I am certain that the best is yet to come.
