Goodbye, Equilibrium

Time has finally come when the beam can no longer sustain its balance. An avalanche of emotions is consuming my remorseful and twisted heart that tears have been flowing non-stop since a couple of hours ago. I lost track of where all of these started but one thing’s certain: I must seek professional counsel not later than next week.

Truth is, my self-esteem seemed to have been flushed down the drain. Part of it perhaps is caused by these pre-graduation anxieties which I consider to have been appearing too soon since graduation will have to be two months from now and it has been giving me unparalleled vexations. There, I said it. I fear a lot of things.

In an article I wrote last night, the person I interviewed said most of us have been stressing ourselves too much while working for the wrong things. What if she’s right? What if everything I have been doing will prove to be worthless in the end? What if I took the wrong path, not to mention, made the wrong decisions all these years?

I keep telling everybody that after graduation, I will defer for at least a year so that I can concentrate in law school. That’s a lie. The actual reason why I will not search for a job immediately after graduation is because I am indefinite of what I really want in life.

I always say that I can’t wait to be liberated from the bonds of the academic institution I’m in right now so that I may finally be hurled to the so-called real world. Just now, reality snapped right at me and made me realize that what if I am the only one thrilled to see the world but world might not be as thrilled to see me?

I have been toiling everyday not for the intention of wanting to have supplementary bullets in my resume but for the sole reason of wanting to blindfold my eyes so that it will be shunned from life’s harsh realities. The last thing that I want to happen is to see myself 10 years from now living a very sullen life.

As a child, I dreamed of a successful life with a happy family of my own. I will probably find it hard to achieve it now that all I have is a goal without a definite game plan. I want to be assured. All I want is for the Almighty to give me significant signs of what to do so that I can start working for it as soon as possible. I don’t want to spend the next 50 years drowning myself in what if’s.

The point that I’m trying to make here is I’m not good enough. If I will apply in COMPANY X, for example, I won’t get hired. They won’t choose me. I won’t choose me. How many times do I have to experience the feeling of being a flaw in this perfect world?

I am not equipped with the attitude fit for a workplace. I have personal issues that have to be resolved even before I jump into committing myself in service of another organization, furthermore, another person. That’s the reason why I have grown to be cynical that I no longer believe in the yucky love stuff. I have experienced falling in love but also experienced falling out of it so what’s the point? I took the easy way out by not facing the music so I chose to build a bridge and just got over it.

Now I am wallowed by my regrets. I should have been a better Christian and stuck it out with my values. I should have been a better daughter and obeyed my parents’ rules. I should have been a better student and just complied with all the academic requirements.

Sure, a person’s transcript of records will not be the only yardstick of how successful he’s going to be in the future. It demands so much more than that- the willingness to work, the drive for excellence and most of all, the right attitude. Sucks for me, though, because it seems that I lack every aspect of that formula for success.

Because of my non-resilience, the beam has totally lost its balance and no one is to be blamed but myself alone. I have concealed the truths and clothed myself in lies as I spend seemingly happy days with my friends in our fancy get-togethers and random rendezvous but at the end of the day, I lie alone in my bed facing the horrible fact that the beam lost its balance because the owner lost control.