Camouflage

Just when I already had the opportunity to stand out, l chose to go for a camouflage and packed 20 years in two suitcases.

It was two weeks before graduation when I got my first job interview invitation. As a graduating senior, it was something equally exhilarating and daunting. I remember a conversation with my mom during my first days here in Manila when she kind of said that what I did was unfair. During high school and college, I was one of those students who got so obsessed to school and activities. I was always an active member of organizations and that kept me really busy. It made me spend more time in school with classmates and friends than at home with my family.

A month before graduation, my mom was talking about us having a vacation somewhere so that we, or shall I say, I, can unwind after all the toil the academe has inflicted on me. However, by the time graduation was coming near, I already got quite a long list of all the scheduled job interviews in Manila which is a plane ride away from Bacolod. So, yes, I also found it unfair but who was I to reject those interviews? I am not one of those grade-conscious geniuses who may get to choose any job that would suit them. All I had was my resume and myself.

I was bound for an uncharted territory. Though I go here for vacation almost every year to visit my dad and other relatives, I have never actually ridden a jeepney and commuted by myself. Moreover, though I had an edge to other applicants because I graduated from reputable schools since I was in elementary, I reminded myself that there were thousands of graduates this year who are also vying for jobs. “I have to hurry,” I said to myself.

So I went out into the world, full of idealism while I was breathing the air of new opportunity. I had my principles, planted and sprouting. I was positive because I know was trained well by a very brilliant man. He was not a just professor to me but he became my mentor and my boss. Even more than that, he became my father and most of all, my friend. I am very thankful to my college professors and my parents who taught me how to throw myself into everything I do and put my whole heart and mind into it. They also taught me about pain- that it is accompanied by growth so I must stick it out.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about them and my friends.

A month after I left, I got a job I really wanted and a workplace I’m proud to belong to. The people here are as flamboyant and as vivacious as I am which made my adjustment phase a lot sooner and easier than I expected it to be.

Being far from home has been tough because it doesn’t only imply being distant from a certain geographical location but it means being miles away from your life space. My emotions get escalated by plain things like the playing of an old song or seeing an old photo online. I am also deeply moved by simple text messages by loved ones back at home, though those messages might not be sent for me directly (group messages), I still feel remembered and loved.

I keep avoiding the thought that I am sacrificing a lot for this. I am away from my family and friends but I realized that sometimes, we really have to give up some things to give way for opportunities that God crafted for us.

I must say that I am blessed to have seen this part of the world, despite the bad qualities that may seem to envelope it and through it all; I am happy and quite proud because I got this job all by myself, without the help of relatives or anybody else. Furthermore, my parents did not tell me to, “apply here” or “apply there”. It gave me the feeling that they trusted me and had faith that I will be making good decisions all by myself.

Now I’m looking forward to spending the next months and years here. Though I may have some separation anxiety attacks from time to time, I know that I will eventually get by. It just takes getting used to.

So here I am today, inching my way to success in a camouflage-- slowly but very surely.

Taken for a Ride

Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Thus says an age-old cliché which I first heard from my dad. Yes, contradictory to my previous post which was so full of disdain and desperation, this one’s full of hope and inspiration (or so I wish it to be).

Today I had an epiphany while on the passengers’ seat of a seemingly unoccupied jeepney.  Just like what I had confessed during the presentation of ‘The Story of My Life’ in our Audio-Visual Communication class a couple of weeks ago, I spontaneously acquire the best realizations during long rides.

I realized that I shouldn’t really pressure myself. I shouldn’t stress out on useless things and think of what other people will say because what matters most is for me to be happy at the end of each day. There were times when I might have forgotten the preliminary chapters of the book Jesus CEO because I was too weak. I forgot to own myself and define what I really am and just let others define me. I must have forgotten that my mind has a very wide reach and that whatever I see myself to be; I will be if only I have faith.

Life has been quite tough but you know what they say, “If life gives you lemons, it’s time bring out the tequila.” With the year that has passed, I have proven to myself that I can get by. There were numerous sticks, stones and even barricades that might have stopped me but I managed to get through.

As I was still there, sitting on the passengers’ seat, I re-assessed myself and saw a great potential. Why should I worry about the future? Worrying is for the stupid and I just know I’m not. Right now I just want to slap myself really hard for thinking that I was futile and unlucky. I have no right to think that way, not even for a split second. I was brought up fairly well with the things I need and the people I love who so willingly love me back.

We finally came to a stop and just like that, after I got off the jeepney, I am suddenly a stronger person. 

Goodbye, Equilibrium

Time has finally come when the beam can no longer sustain its balance. An avalanche of emotions is consuming my remorseful and twisted heart that tears have been flowing non-stop since a couple of hours ago. I lost track of where all of these started but one thing’s certain: I must seek professional counsel not later than next week.

Truth is, my self-esteem seemed to have been flushed down the drain. Part of it perhaps is caused by these pre-graduation anxieties which I consider to have been appearing too soon since graduation will have to be two months from now and it has been giving me unparalleled vexations. There, I said it. I fear a lot of things.

In an article I wrote last night, the person I interviewed said most of us have been stressing ourselves too much while working for the wrong things. What if she’s right? What if everything I have been doing will prove to be worthless in the end? What if I took the wrong path, not to mention, made the wrong decisions all these years?

I keep telling everybody that after graduation, I will defer for at least a year so that I can concentrate in law school. That’s a lie. The actual reason why I will not search for a job immediately after graduation is because I am indefinite of what I really want in life.

I always say that I can’t wait to be liberated from the bonds of the academic institution I’m in right now so that I may finally be hurled to the so-called real world. Just now, reality snapped right at me and made me realize that what if I am the only one thrilled to see the world but world might not be as thrilled to see me?

I have been toiling everyday not for the intention of wanting to have supplementary bullets in my resume but for the sole reason of wanting to blindfold my eyes so that it will be shunned from life’s harsh realities. The last thing that I want to happen is to see myself 10 years from now living a very sullen life.

As a child, I dreamed of a successful life with a happy family of my own. I will probably find it hard to achieve it now that all I have is a goal without a definite game plan. I want to be assured. All I want is for the Almighty to give me significant signs of what to do so that I can start working for it as soon as possible. I don’t want to spend the next 50 years drowning myself in what if’s.

The point that I’m trying to make here is I’m not good enough. If I will apply in COMPANY X, for example, I won’t get hired. They won’t choose me. I won’t choose me. How many times do I have to experience the feeling of being a flaw in this perfect world?

I am not equipped with the attitude fit for a workplace. I have personal issues that have to be resolved even before I jump into committing myself in service of another organization, furthermore, another person. That’s the reason why I have grown to be cynical that I no longer believe in the yucky love stuff. I have experienced falling in love but also experienced falling out of it so what’s the point? I took the easy way out by not facing the music so I chose to build a bridge and just got over it.

Now I am wallowed by my regrets. I should have been a better Christian and stuck it out with my values. I should have been a better daughter and obeyed my parents’ rules. I should have been a better student and just complied with all the academic requirements.

Sure, a person’s transcript of records will not be the only yardstick of how successful he’s going to be in the future. It demands so much more than that- the willingness to work, the drive for excellence and most of all, the right attitude. Sucks for me, though, because it seems that I lack every aspect of that formula for success.

Because of my non-resilience, the beam has totally lost its balance and no one is to be blamed but myself alone. I have concealed the truths and clothed myself in lies as I spend seemingly happy days with my friends in our fancy get-togethers and random rendezvous but at the end of the day, I lie alone in my bed facing the horrible fact that the beam lost its balance because the owner lost control.